my fingers danced.

Hi.
Its been so long that I haven't update anything here. Well, I am not so into writing anymore though I still do it sometimes but not so often anymore. So anyway, last night I cried. Yes, it was very spontaneous but last night was the night I cried the most. Because... I don't know. Maybe my feelings just too much I can't even handle. And then, I decided to write.
I let my fingers danced while my heart cries and my eyes shed its tears. Its not that I want to tell the world how much I cried or how much I feel something and wanting you to feel sorry for me (i mean, dude??). I honestly have no idea why I write such sentences so I guess it'll be fine if I just go here and publish it because, well, because there's this thing in my country that I am so grateful of; the freedom of expressing feelings and/or opinions, and also because I think my heart has the right to be heard too, and here is what it said...
p.s: I don't know who "you" refers to but if anyone that I ever hurt read this, this was my heart telling you this.
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Oh, well, hi.

Um.. so.. where do I start?

You know that I am terrible at words.

I am so sorry for bringing this topic up but it can’t wait any longer.

Well I am not Ian who will write this in pages (lets see how this turns out nanti, ya)

But,

I just want to say that I am sorry.

These past few weeks I started to realize that I am so unfair.  I have been so unfair to some people because I come and go like the wind.

You know how do I feel to this whole relationship things..

Honestly, I am not that hateful. I cried over marriage proposals, love letters, romantic films, dramas, even books.

But I hate myself on the way I see things.

I hate myself for not being able to just stay,

I hate myself for loving the feeling of being a free bird for too long,

I hate myself for never wanting the feelings that girls my age would die for,

I hate myself for coming and going like the wind,

I hate myself for not being able in any commitments, yet.

And that “yet” I meant and I am pretty sure at that it is not gonna over in like a month or two. It may take another year or maybe years. And I can’t let you wait.

I can’t let you struggle and do this alone

I can’t let you worry about me not in weeks, even days

I can’t let you hope to see this tunnel’s end filled with fireworks and sparkling lights

I can’t let you fight.

For me.

Its been 5 years that I have never feel the same way and I am not saying that I haven’t moved on or the scars still wide opened but all I know is that my heart is still closed no matter how hard you or anyone knocked it.

And I know that this is veeeerrryyy selfish but please, believe me that I cried my pillow almost every night when I told you that I was asleep.

And no, I am not hoping that you will understand. In fact, it is okay if you hate me because I deserve it. And no I am not trying to be "merendah" at this point but I am sure. I’ll be sad for losing one good friend but once more, I deserve it.

And lastly, no thousands and any form of “thank you” will be enough to pay your patience back but thank you so much for everything. For being very patient, for being very warm and welcoming, for being on “always all ears mode” to hear my rants every single day, for cheering me up, for the comfort, and for understanding me.

I wish I am not this selfish but even I still learn about loving my whole-self.

And I am not gonna let myself to involve you in this never ending complications I made with my own heart.

I’m sorry.

And thankyou.

-13.